Memories :: 2

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What do you want to be when you grow up?

April 14, 2009

I never thought I'd be a Mother. It really wasn't in my game-plan. Not that I really had a game plan; I always had a feeling that I would die very young. So conversely I didn't really worry about the future or plan for it... me so weird.

Yet here I am; not dead, getting older with two boys masha'allah. Two boys who teach me so much, who have changed me so much, masha'allah, who have made me understand love and mercy and patience and sacrifice from the inside-out. Oh and the Muslim thing? Who the hell could have written that punchline?? The anarchistic punk who took no prisoners, who was voted the person most likely to goto jail first for an assissination attempt on the Cabinet - the atheist, envelope-pushing, angry, think outside the smashed box, revolutionist communist tell-it-like-it-is force of nature... a Muslim??! Sometimes I can't quite believe it myself....

Who knits, sew, embroiders, quilts, stays at home, home educates, gets excited over books like this on her coffee table ...

Get out more? I hear ya. I was sitting this weekend trying to unravel my life - the turning points and defining moments, when I got a flashback to the person I was as a teenager (but without all the angst) - it was so weird.

I remember my Physics teacher telling me to take A-Level Physics because he said I could make it to Oxford or Cambridge (I really did love Physics); I remember my English teacher telling me I had a career in journalism and media (I also loved English). I had my father telling me under NO circumstances was I to follow a career in Art (ever the pragmatist, both he and I). And I never really knew what I wanted to do; and it never seemed to really matter. But in the end I opted for A-Level Government and Politics and English and Geography and my physics teacher was disgusted with me; my Art teacher was dissappointed in me; my English teacher was of course not surprised - everyone seemed to take English... and then I shot myself in the foot by taking Philosophy and Sociology at Uni. I am a walking example of why teenagers should NOT be allowed to make their own decisions... You know people who say, "if I could do it all over again I wouln't change a thing"? Well I'm not one of them. I like to think I learn from my mistakes. I would SO change everything: I would take physics; I would have taken Psychology at Uni. - I would love to be a therapist or psychiatrist, but moreover I would have loved to have been given the chance to explore writing.

I loved to write; I loved to tell stories; I always harboured a secret desire to write plays. Isn't that just weird? And how life takes you away from yourself drip on drip, surreptitiously altering the contours of yourself until like the mountain upon which the forces of nature work, you are reduced from a jagged outcrop to a mere slope, stooped.

I know there is dignity in sacrificing for others; there is a place for reducing the ego by selfless living. This I 'know'. One thing I wouldn't change? My kids, of course. Or the path of homeschooling. Having my kids around me in this insane and intense way - these idiotic muppets who exasperate and inspire me in equal measure. I would do it all the same way if it meant they were part of the deal... But don't you sometimes dream of what you would like to be when you grow up? What are your day dreams?

{EDIT: Just to clarify - I'm the brunette with the stripy pants; blondie is my cousin; she whined a lot; we loved each other way back then}

Comments

[Amanda]

I hope you are o.k - mail if you want to. if you don't that's o.k too :0) - I can relate!!
I'll be back later. xx

[Mu Mu Design]

onwards and upwards..

[Jamey]

I'm excited by those books on your coffee table, too! Especially that embroidery one.

Lately I've been doing a lot of reflecting and asking myself what I want to be when I grow up - seems to be the season for it, for some reason. I wanted to be a ballet dancer until I was about 18. Then I wanted to be an economic justice activist (smash the state! yeah!) for a spell, then a suburban housewife with pearls and a hoover.

Now I just want to be myself. Whatever that is.

But I'm keeping the pearls. And the combat boots. :-)

Thanks for sharing yourself and your writing with the world!

[Amanda]

I day dream a very unhealthy amount about Dave Grohl ;0)

erm.... honestly, I don't really have any dreams anymore, I can't see beyond the next 24 hours sometimes the next few hours. I used to draw all the time, I wanted to do something with art, it was'nt allowed ;0) I always wanted to travel, see the world, that kind of thing, something I never did it won't happen now. So dreams are based on those things and also silly girly stuff... I would love to dress up, properly, go somewhere nice, have a conversation, eat without constant interuptions!! Art galleries in London, and over priced coffee's ;0)

Very selfish and induldgent stuff.

Real dreams? erm I want my kids to reach their full potential, whatever that this ;0)

[Mu Mu Design]

one thing ive noticed is that it is very important to keep personal ambition alive and not base it all on kids - when they grow up and leave we really need something of ourselves still alive to get up in the morning for.

[Mu Mu Design]

ahh, thanks Jamey.

[Laura]

Gosh I can so relate to this post! I disappointed my French, English and history teachers. Then took my parents advice not to do anything arty. Ended up doing something not really me at all! Then when I realised I made the same mistake again! Yes, I have trained for two careers and neither of them are 'me'. Should have trusted myself but that's hated when you're 18 and no one else does. *sigh*

so now, a year on, do you know what you want to be when you grow up yet? I still don't... Though I am daydreaming about living in an rv touring the world! Lol.

[Mu Mu Design]

Well, it depends on my mood and energy levels! Some days I daydream about living on a smallholding running a PYO farm (yeah right); some days I imagine myself penning plays (yeah right); and other days I just want to be left alone and hide under the quilts. Dunno really. I'd like writing to play some part in it for sure; right now however, as a homeschooling Mummy I have to give the boys my full attention, whilst keeping an eye for spare time and future dreams to see where my personal path leads. So come on then - if you could do anything, what would it be?

[Amanda]

I doubt that 2 of mine will leave home ;0).... that why my ambitions, dreams are different - they are things that I just can't do, its not an issue its just how it is iyswim. I like to grow things every year I try to grow another fruit or veg, I don't grow enough to feed all of us, but I can make quite a few meals which is something I like to do. Sometimes I sketch or sew or knit these are quick, small but its something which is better than nothing! So grow things... write things because you can. xx