Dear Spammers

I know you will never read this, but please humour me and give me some satisfaction that perhaps one would-be spammer may read this and repent:

Of all the things I ever want in my life, of all the things I ever envisage spending my money on, Viagra is not even close to being one of them. And even if it were, even if my life depended on it, I am not going to pass out my card details to a company that emails with the opening line 'yo yo qalballah - hot rod special - viAgr$$aaa', because, well, it screams 'chinese mafia', 'hacker' and 'click here to have your hard drive spammed into oblivion and your bank account raided to fund the Taliban regime in Hindustan'.

Don't be too downhearted. I am impressed by your persistence. It is kind of admirable the way you never. give. up. and assume I really am that stupid. Your tenacity is breath-taking - but if you could only use this power for good instead of evil....

Now. Moving on to another form of spamming evil::

Cold callers - please die a slow and painful death, especially Virgin Media who have yet to grasp the concept that I do not want a digital TV package because (and this really is the crux of the argument) I HAVE NO TV. No, not even three days after the first time you asked me. Still haven't bought one. Nope. Nada. No tv. QUIT CALLING me because if you were any other person on the planet I could get a restraining order against you. This is harrassment.

And even worse than cold callers? Cold callers from a country with an accent I cannot understand. Don't be offended - your diction is perfect, but whether you're from Glasgow or Dehli - I haven't a clue what you are saying, so say the first thing again. Slowly. In fact, you know what? Don't even bother. Just die.

Worse than cold callers who I can't understand?? Cold callers who wait for you to pick up and say HELLO?? HELLO?? HE-LLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO??????! and then a taped message is played, depriving you of even the satisfaction of being able to vent fury at the cold caller. I hate you. I hate whoever invented you. I hate whoever plugged the machine in. I hate your company and I make a note of each company who do this and avoid them FOREVER. BT you are guilty and your products are over priced and crap and another newsflash because Virgin Media obviously did not pass the message on when they sold my details to you down the river - I REALLY DO NOT HAVE A TV!!!!!

Won't SOMEBODY OUT THERE BELIEVE ME!!?

Thank you

Comments

[Amy]

Yes yes yes yes.

[Jamey]

You mean you don't 'dream of huge dignity?' Have you seen what this crafter has done with her spam? http://www.flickr.com/photos/cauchycomplete/sets/72157622436494477/ Very cool.

Every year I have a conversation with the TV license people where they respond with shock/awe/utter amazement when I tell them that I manage to fill my hours without their help. Hi-larious.

[Mu Mu Design]

oh my. those are quite hilarious embroidery patches for prosperity. Imagine the gal finding THOSE in a thrift shop 50 years from now...

TV license people have annoyed me into silence, and I take untold pleasure watching them get into fevered threathening mode, as I ignore ignore ignore their pleas for an answer. You know after the first twenty times you'd think they'd get it....

[FarmgirlCyn (Cindy)]

Oh. My. Word. This is too funny! Especially the last two! Cold callers who do not speak clear english. And those most annoying calls where they do not respond till after you've said "HELLO", then...a recording!

[sajidah]

Assalaamu Alaykum - inshaAllah a tip for getting rid of the dodgy cold callers - http://www.mpsonline.org.uk/tps/ register with the telephone preference service. Alhamdulillah we've stopped getting those dodgy calls!! wasalaam

[Mu Mu Design]

It makes me want to pound my fists into the ground in rage, Cyn. If they were there in front of me I think I'd have to be restrained....

[Mu Mu Design]

jzk for that, will give it a go - wont work with Virgin Media though, as we are customers and they are allowed to...

[Nelly]

LOLLLLLLLLLLLL

[renee]

LOL! I'm so with you. I could add a few that drive me crazy as well.

[Sheila]

OK - our secret weapon is Scots Gaelic! Yayyy! The moment I find a cold caller who speaks Gaelic - I will buy!
Seriously though, we have a chap who rings, purportedly from Canary Wharf, every few weeks to speak with my O/H on a "personal" matter. Having told him so many times that he can't come to the phone because I don't allow him, followed by a crisp "Bog Off", or words to that effect, does he seriously imagine that he is every going to sell anyone on our number anything?? So why does he keep trying??

[Four Dinners]

When you get a cold caller just say "Hold the live a moment" and go warch TV...

orm alternatively ask them where in the world they are and then engage them in conversation about the weather where they are...drives em nut! Trust me I'm from Oldham

[Mu Mu Design]

I think they blacklist people like us and punish us by writing 'this lady is very interested - please call back' so one of their colleagues gets it in the neck and they can annoy us even more...

[Mu Mu Design]

Yeah I've done that - it is fun lol but the taped messages are driving ME nuts